Thank you for proving what I've been saying all of these years I was not wanted I am not as important I am just here until someone worthy Someone better Anyone that's not me Comes along to fill the valuable space I've taken I am
I want someone who wants to GROW with me. Not someone who grips firmly to the past and is his one and only thing blocking from SUCCESS and personal-growth and happiness. I want someone on my level. Someone who's ready for more. Someone who is aching to FLY as far as the winds will take us. Someone who finds a Home in me... like I've done with you... was I wrong to do that? Because all I need is you. Everyone else is background noise- always there. But we should be growing together and hoping for nothing but success and happiness. So why does it feel like you've taken 10 steps backwards and any second you'll be begging to move back to your parents.
For a while it's felt like we're slowly dwindling. Slowly losing each other. You refuse to see my point of view because you're blinded. But again you refuse to even see that or maybe you do and you just won't admit it to me. Either way you keep painting me as selfish and evil. And yet I don't hesitate wanting to be with you. But you do. Here we go again. Can I survive the pain again? Being doubted and pushed aside? Waiting for YOU to take me in? Waiting for YOU to make up your mind? Can I survive feeling like I'd rather die every second of the day? Wishing the fire I feel to be real and just make it end?
I am a child of domestic violence Born into it in the year 1991 Mommy and Daddy fighting day in, day out Blue and Red lights flashing at least once a month "Yes, sir. Everything is okay, they were just arguing. No, no one was hurt. We were in our room"
I am a child of domestic violence She would recite la biblia loud enough for all to hear As a way to annoy Daddy and drown out whatever he was saying He- he would come home from work and drink while watching the soccer game He didn't like what was for dinner or she didn't like that he didn't give her his entire check before paying the bills They'd argue and voices rise, louder and louder announcing to the world their unhappiness
And yet refuse to walk away. "Arruinaste me vida" Mother reminds me so I always know I'm the reason she stayed with him. "La amo" Father says even though I know he's having an affair and even though that other woman looks a lot and I mean a lot like my mom.
I remember once my dad was drunk and upset about el futbol He didn't like what mom cooked and started yelling at her She got in his face and he angrily pushed her She screamed bloody murder and los vecinos called the police "Yes, sir. Everything is okay, they were just arguing. No, no one was hurt. We were in our room"
I used to be ashamed and if I'm not careful, I still am See, my momma and dad would fight and scream and break things We would get yelled at or hit and then sent out Out into the harsh neighborhood Stares and gossip and pointing fingers “No jueguen con esas niñas. That family is bad news” Tears streaming down my face and red as a jitomate, I'd have to go downstairs to check on the laundry or get my mom the 2-liter soda she asked for “Coca-cola,” she ordered. “If it's anything else, I'll send you back.” And she would if we returned with anything else even if she chose something else and then changed her mind. I'd have to walk, trying to hold in my sobs Past the kids whispering and laughing Past the adults shaking their heads Into the warmth of the laundry room or the video store where we'd get the soda
Help me, I screamed in my head. Hoping someone or something would hear Make it stop, I silently pleaded with my eyes
I am a child of domestic violence Home life was a mess Visiting extended family didn't help My abusive abuelita beat me for anything my cousins did while she babysat us Daddy ordered her stop because she wasn't allowed to hurt us but she called him weak and called it discipline She told my mom that he was disrespecting her which just started another argument between my parents Abuelita didn't stop and I learned to stay silent or mommy and daddy would fight again
It was violent and loud and scary as fuck Sometimes my mom would just scream and scream “no me pegues! Para! No me toques, le voy a llamar a la policia” even if my dad wasn't touching her or even close but he was yelling. The neighbors would call the police thinking she was in danger Once again “Yes, sir. Everything is okay, they were just arguing. No, no one was hurt. We were in our room"
I am a child of domestic violence Even though they argue Day and night They always told me “Never let a man put his hands on you. Never let anyone make you feel less than you are” Hipócritas, I thought But I thank the universe for the life I had because I'm stronger and smarter now
I'm a rose in a field of daisies At least that's what you made me believe The star of your show Your reason to smile Words fill the air like music in a silent movie Until others were around The two of us against the world Until you're bored and prefer the world It's vast oceans and mountains and secrets to explore So fascinating and adventurous While I'm such a bore These two personalities, I adore One loves me and the other dismisses me I'm sorry I'm not your One I'm sorry I fell in Love But then you return with understanding and promises With endearment and "forevers" in your warm embrace I cling hard to keep you longer because I fear Someday You will not return
Like Icarus, I too failed Happiness and love seemed all too real I believed it to be pure A Disney-worthy love story But, alas, like Icarus I, too, failed It's easy to say: I love you To believe the two are enough But there's always a-lacking A judgement arising and no Its never just you The ripple effect goes beyond a couple You're never alone again Even the most intimate moments must be approved By the behind-the-scene crew you each carry It was easy to fall in love With a beauty beyond any I've seen A voice without a match and eyes that bring a smile But alas! Just like our dear Icarus Deluded by what seemed so real I, too, have failed