I sat still and froze Locking eyes with Mr Athlete Asking for help With nothing but my paint-filled eyes Letting him know I was not okay with this As he stood behind the camera Watching Watching me Watching me be handled in a way not okay'd I thought, is this me? An object, forever Passed from one hand to another “Make him stop” I heard the *click* and knew Knew he'd ignored or not noticed my discomfort But He knew as his hands rubbed what they shouldn't As he tried to pursue something and finally Finally I moved I cringed and moved his hand, slightly so as not to surprise him I'm alone My fault As realization creeped through my soul Tainting my love My passion
I am a child of domestic violence Born into it in the year 1991 Mommy and Daddy fighting day in, day out Blue and Red lights flashing at least once a month "Yes, sir. Everything is okay, they were just arguing. No, no one was hurt. We were in our room"
I am a child of domestic violence She would recite la biblia loud enough for all to hear As a way to annoy Daddy and drown out whatever he was saying He- he would come home from work and drink while watching the soccer game He didn't like what was for dinner or she didn't like that he didn't give her his entire check before paying the bills They'd argue and voices rise, louder and louder announcing to the world their unhappiness
And yet refuse to walk away. "Arruinaste me vida" Mother reminds me so I always know I'm the reason she stayed with him. "La amo" Father says even though I know he's having an affair and even though that other woman looks a lot and I mean a lot like my mom.
I remember once my dad was drunk and upset about el futbol He didn't like what mom cooked and started yelling at her She got in his face and he angrily pushed her She screamed bloody murder and los vecinos called the police "Yes, sir. Everything is okay, they were just arguing. No, no one was hurt. We were in our room"
I used to be ashamed and if I'm not careful, I still am See, my momma and dad would fight and scream and break things We would get yelled at or hit and then sent out Out into the harsh neighborhood Stares and gossip and pointing fingers “No jueguen con esas niñas. That family is bad news” Tears streaming down my face and red as a jitomate, I'd have to go downstairs to check on the laundry or get my mom the 2-liter soda she asked for “Coca-cola,” she ordered. “If it's anything else, I'll send you back.” And she would if we returned with anything else even if she chose something else and then changed her mind. I'd have to walk, trying to hold in my sobs Past the kids whispering and laughing Past the adults shaking their heads Into the warmth of the laundry room or the video store where we'd get the soda
Help me, I screamed in my head. Hoping someone or something would hear Make it stop, I silently pleaded with my eyes
I am a child of domestic violence Home life was a mess Visiting extended family didn't help My abusive abuelita beat me for anything my cousins did while she babysat us Daddy ordered her stop because she wasn't allowed to hurt us but she called him weak and called it discipline She told my mom that he was disrespecting her which just started another argument between my parents Abuelita didn't stop and I learned to stay silent or mommy and daddy would fight again
It was violent and loud and scary as fuck Sometimes my mom would just scream and scream “no me pegues! Para! No me toques, le voy a llamar a la policia” even if my dad wasn't touching her or even close but he was yelling. The neighbors would call the police thinking she was in danger Once again “Yes, sir. Everything is okay, they were just arguing. No, no one was hurt. We were in our room"
I am a child of domestic violence Even though they argue Day and night They always told me “Never let a man put his hands on you. Never let anyone make you feel less than you are” Hipócritas, I thought But I thank the universe for the life I had because I'm stronger and smarter now
I'm a rose in a field of daisies At least that's what you made me believe The star of your show Your reason to smile Words fill the air like music in a silent movie Until others were around The two of us against the world Until you're bored and prefer the world It's vast oceans and mountains and secrets to explore So fascinating and adventurous While I'm such a bore These two personalities, I adore One loves me and the other dismisses me I'm sorry I'm not your One I'm sorry I fell in Love But then you return with understanding and promises With endearment and "forevers" in your warm embrace I cling hard to keep you longer because I fear Someday You will not return
Like Icarus, I too failed Happiness and love seemed all too real I believed it to be pure A Disney-worthy love story But, alas, like Icarus I, too, failed It's easy to say: I love you To believe the two are enough But there's always a-lacking A judgement arising and no Its never just you The ripple effect goes beyond a couple You're never alone again Even the most intimate moments must be approved By the behind-the-scene crew you each carry It was easy to fall in love With a beauty beyond any I've seen A voice without a match and eyes that bring a smile But alas! Just like our dear Icarus Deluded by what seemed so real I, too, have failed
Is it real this time? I'm doubting every touch, every smile Are we playing house? As a test Did I fail? Are we just wasting time? Too lazy to start over so we're just letting this go on and on. Do you need a break? Another 10 minutes or so? Will my heart shatter again? Will I wish to never wake as I lie on my bed? Will my skin burn even on the coldest day? How long will I live in fear of hearing such horrid words "I don't love you as much as I used to" I'm not a toy, please, I'm fragile Is it a long cruel joke? Again, again Is this pretend...
A name etched on my bones A silvery whisper of a hope A laugh that beats to the song in my heart Haunted by such beautiful brown Pulled in by the waves of love Gravitating towards your soul Oh, my Well aren't I a sucker for fairytales
I'll never mean anything to anyone other than a plaything. Love me for a while but toss me aside easily when others come by. Dress me up and take me out But I'll never even be a favourite toy Hide me and barely acknowledge my existence to the world Like a college kid with his favourite teddy in his dorm I'll always watch over you even when you decide to throw me out